Bedtime Routines for Couples…

Let’s talk about bedtime routines. And no, not kids’ bedtime routines. Bedtime routines for couples!

This is something that comes up with couples I work with all the time. And I know there are lots of reasons why couples may not be able to go to bed together (opposite work schedules, severe snoring, co-sleeping with kids, really different sleep needs, etc.), BUT I wanted to make the case for why it might be a really important routine to prioritize in your relationship if you can.

So, if you are someone that simply cannot go to bed at night with your partner, feel free to skip this email. But if you’re curious and open to considering it, keep reading!

First, what do I mean by going to bed together?

Ideally, a couple gets kids to bed (or if you have older children, maybe they are still awake) and has a little time in the evening for whatever they choose (hanging out together, separately, catching up on emails, seeing a friend, etc.)

Once bedtime arrives, the couple gets ready for bed (brush teeth, wash face, etc) and both get in bed together. They may read for a bit, but at some point, the lights are turned off and it’s almost time to sleep.

Before they actually fall asleep, the couple has some sort of physical contact (snuggles/hugs/has arms touching each other/whatever) and exchanges a few words. Sometimes this might last a minute or two - and other times it might be a 10-15 minute conversation.

Regardless of how long it lasts, the couple has a few moments at the very end of the day where they connect physically and emotionally.

In my house, this is usually snuggling and chatting for about 5 minutes about anything we haven’t talked about yet from the day. Sometimes it’s just cuddling and saying I love you. Once one of us starts to fall asleep, we say goodnight and I turn over to actually sleep. I can’t sleep while still cuddling, but I do really love those few minutes to be close to him before I sleep.

This sounds really simple, right?
So why is this such an important routine to prioritize?

1. It’s a time for you and your partner to connect physically. Engaging sexually is great during this time, but it’s not the primary goal. Being physically close to each other before sleep helps you both feel connected and relaxed.

2. It’s a time for you and your partner to connect emotionally. Having a few minutes to chat or even to just lie quietly together while you cuddle is a really nice way to reconnect after a long day.

3. It serves as a relationship thermometer. Simply put, if there is something wrong (one or both of you is upset/hurt/angry), you’re not going to want to cuddle and talk. This can serve as a cue that something needs to be worked through - either that night or the next day if you’re too tired or too angry to be able to adequately repair a conflict.

Common Barriers that might be Workable:

“We don’t actually sleep in the same bed." You can experiment with still implementing this routine by getting in one person’s bed together, cuddling, and chatting - and then the other person gets up before falling asleep and goes to their room/bed.

“We don’t go to bed at the same time”: Same as the previous example. Get in bed whenever the person who goes to bed earlier goes to sleep. Cuddle, chat, and then leave when it’s time for them to sleep and go do your thing until your own bedtime.

“One person works a different shift and isn’t home when the other person goes to bed." In this situation, I’d recommend trying the routine at another time of the day. Maybe the late shift partner comes home when the other person wakes up in the morning and you can spend a few minutes cuddling and chatting before the late shift person goes to sleep.

This routine is something my husband and I have been doing consistently for almost 20 years.

I wouldn’t say it’s the most important thing we do to maintain our relationship; but I would say it’s the most consistent habit we have that contributes to the level of connection, affection, and relationship stability we feel.

So if you don’t go to bed together already, give it a try tonight.

I doubt there will be fireworks, but I bet that over time, you’ll feel a little more closeness and connection in your relationship by ending your days together with some physical and emotional closeness.

If this resonates with you, I’d love to hear about it. Do you and your partner do this already? Or is it something you don’t do, but you’d like to try?