Idiosyncrasies. Peculiarities. Sensitivities. Hang-ups. Mild obsessions.

Let’s talk about quirks.

Idiosyncrasies. Peculiarities. Sensitivities. Hang-ups. Mild obsessions.

We’ve all got them. And they can drive us (and our partners!) crazy.

If you don’t know me personally, you probably don’t know that my amazing, wonderful husband is a neat freak and he is constantly cleaning, tidying, and picking up after me and our two kids. As a result, our house is very clean, organized, and clutter free.

At first glance, this sounds amazing, right? I love a clean house! And I’m incredibly grateful to be married to someone who makes this happen.

However, I am not a naturally clean, tidy person. I’m naturally messy, disorganized, and it doesn’t bother me when I see clutter or things out of place.

But these things are really stressful for my husband. He feels tense and anxious when he walks into a room and it’s messy or there are things sitting out, not in their right place.

As you can imagine, this has been a difficult dynamic for us over the last 20ish years. And we’ve handled it in a lot of different ways over the years.

When we were dating in college, he would often randomly deep clean my apartment for me. It was kind of amazing, but also embarrassing and really not his problem - but it created so much stress for him to be at my apartment, that he was willing to do it. And I, apparently, was not.

In our early years of marriage, I tried to make more effort to pick up after myself, but I really didn’t understand how impactful the mess was for him. I’d leave giant piles of clothes on the floor for days and not realize that he was feeling a lot of stress seeing that pile for days on end until I cleaned it up on the weekend.

It wasn’t until I really made an effort to understand what a clean, picked-up home did for him emotionally and mentally that I was able to make big changes to my own behavior. But making changes had to come from a genuine understanding of why it was important to him, caring about the impact, and valuing his feelings and preferences.

Not only did I have to understand why a tidy home is so important to him, but I had to learn to value that. I had to start believing that his need for a clean space was important and valid, even if a messy room didn’t bother me personally.

Once that mindset began to shift, things began to change for us.

I’m definitely not perfect at this (don’t look at my work space as I write this!), but I’ve come a long way in changing my own mindset and behavior because I care about how it impacts him.

And of course, my husband has had to embrace and accommodate my quirks as well. I am super particular about a lot of things: Lighting. Food. Schedules. Routines. Needing to externally process most of thoughts and feelings. I’m so sensitive to texture and fabric that my husband has learned that if he wears really soft, comfy clothes at night when we’re hanging out, that it will help me feel more relaxed and cozy when we’re close on the couch.

I think some people might say that these things are not our responsibility to accommodate for someone else. That it’s that person’s job to deal with it or figure it out for themselves. And of course, there are times when it’s unreasonable for me to expect my partner to accommodate all of my quirks to the degree that I desire.

But for the most part, I think it’s really loving to know your partner’s quirks, value them as important, and do what you can to help them with it.

I know I feel really loved when my husband sits on the couch with me at night and listens to me talk about my day. Even though he is an internal processor and doesn't really need to talk through things to feel better, he patiently listens, shows interest, and asks thoughtful questions. Because he knows that's really important to me.

And I know he feels loved when I keep my clothes off the floor and dresser, and pick up stray toys and books in a room when I walk by.

So, tell me - what do you think? Do you have a hard time valuing and accommodating your partner’s quirks? Do you feel like they have a hard time valuing yours?

If so, I encourage you to share this email with your partner and sit down together to talk through this topic. Explore what each other’s quirks are and why they are so important to each of you. See if you can find a little more room in your heart and mind to value that quirk and set an intention to respond from that place the next time it comes up.