What gets us in the mood for intimacy with our partner
Let’s talk about sex and intimacy. Specifically, I want to talk about what gets us in the mood for intimacy.
The answer to this question has two parts. And, surprisingly, it involves cars.
How can a Car Metaphor help us understand our Libido?
Emily Nagoski, in her book Come As You Are (which is fantastic, if you’re interested in learning more), describes the Dual Control Model of Sexual Arousal - which essentially describes the two components that make up our libido, or desire for sex. The Dual Control Model uses a car metaphor to describe these two factors: the Gas Pedal and the Brakes.
What Puts Gas in your Tank?
The Gas Pedal is the accelerator of our sexual response. The gas pedal includes anything that is sexually relevant (or sexually interesting) to us. This includes anything we see, touch, smell, imagine, or hear. Anything that our brain registers as sexually relevant is putting gas in our sexual tank. Which helps our metaphorical sex car drive!
Everyone’s gas tank gets filled up in different ways, but here are some common gas pedal examples from couples I work with:
Holding my hand when we take a walk
Telling me I look beautiful
Seeing my partner undress
Watching/reading/listening to a sexy story in a movie/book/audiobook
Telling me I am a wonderful partner or mother
Connecting emotionally with my partner
Feeling confident or sexy in my own body
What fills your gas tank is unique to you; the important thing is for you and your partner to be aware of what fills each of your tanks so that they are not running on empty.
What’s Putting on the Brakes?
The Brakes are anything that slows down our sexual accelerator. Sometimes this is a “slam on the brakes” situation, where something suddenly happens that shuts down your sexual system. And sometimes this is a slow and steady “hand brake” situation, where you feel like you’re constantly riding the brake and nothing is accelerating your sexual system.
Similar to the gas pedal, everyone’s brakes are different. But here are some common examples of what slows down our sexual desire:
Feeling disconnected to my partner
Feeling stressed out, exhausted, or overwhelmed
Having a giant “to-do list” in my mind at all times
Negative mood, anxiety, or depression
Negative thoughts and feelings about my body
Feeling pressured by my partner to be intimate, instead of feeling desired
Hormonal changes
Being “touched out” by kids
This list can be a little discouraging. We don't have a lot of control over some of these items (like being touched out) or they take a lot of time and energy to work on (like anxiety and stress or body image). But others are things that we can work on individually (our stress levels or constant to-do list) or we can work on with our partner (focusing on connecting more emotionally throughout the week so we’re more likely to be interested in sex).
So what do I do with this Info?
I’m so glad you asked! My favorite part of this car metaphor is how helpful it is when are ready to apply it.
So here’s the application: In order to work on getting ourselves in the mood more often or more authentically, we have to fill up our gas tank and decrease how often our brakes are on.
Here’s a little math equation:
Increased Gas Pedal + Decreased Brakes =
More Desire for Sex & Intimacy
The thing that I think is most helpful about this is the part about the brakes. I think most of us realize that we need to do more things to help us get in the mood: Connect. Go on date nights. Touch. Kiss. Have some good lighting and soft music.
But I think we often don’t think about the importance of reducing the things that take us out of the mood: Like reducing stress, overwhelm, and exhaustion. Learning how to turn off our brains that are going over our to-do lists constantly. Teaching our partners the ways that they approach us or initiate sex that turn us off.
And so the beauty of this car metaphor is that we have to work just as hard to not put on the brakes as we do on increasing the gas.
So, Abby! Tell me what to do! Tell me how I can work on this!
1. Identify what puts gas in your tank. Make a list! No items are silly! List every possible thing you can think of that is sexually relevant or makes it more likely that you’ll be in the mood later (later today, later tomorrow, later next week).
2. Identify what puts on the brakes. Again, make a list! List everything you can think of that’s ongoing (like stress) or that can be situation-specific (like a certain way that your partner initiates sex or touch that you don’t like).
3. Share your list with your partner (and have them share theirs). There might be some obvious things on your lists, but I’m guessing there will be some surprises.
4. Start to practice talking to each other about your desire for sex using the language you’re learning about here. For example, you can share: “It really hit my gas pedal earlier today when you gave me a long hug after work.” Or “My brakes have really been hit lately because I’m so exhausted from getting up during the night with the kids.” (Side note: using the terms "gas pedal" and "brakes" is not the most important part. But identifying for yourself and your partner what helps and what hinders your desire is very important.)
5. Find small ways to start increasing your own gas pedal and decreasing your brakes. Come up with a few things you can do to work on both aspects. Does taking a bath at night help you relax and enjoy the evening more? Does spending time chatting with your partner on the couch before you turn on Netflix help you feel more connected? Or does reading a novel with lots of sexy parts help you feel more open to and interested in intimacy with your partner?
This really can be a new way to not only think about your own sexual desire, but to talk with your partner about it. If you both can be attuned to the things that help you be in the mood - as well as work on reducing the things that take you out of the mood - you can likely start to connect sexually more than before.
So, tell me. Is this helpful? Do you have questions? If so, I’d love to hear from you.