Tips for Technology and your relationship.
I want to share my thoughts on the impact of technology on our romantic relationships.
We all know this is a really pervasive issue and a common struggle for couples. I think most of us (myself included!) struggle with finding doable strategies for cutting back on the amount of time we use our phones and other devices. And I think most of us understand how our phone/screen use can negatively impact our relationships with our partners, our kids, and even with ourselves.
So I want to share a couple of takeaways and things you can do today to decrease the negative impact of screens on your romantic relationship.
How to Limit Phone/Screen Time around your Partner:
I find it really important to have designated times of day when you are not going to use your phones. For us, this is usually around 8:30/9 after our kids are in bed and my husband and I are hanging out, chatting, reading, or watching TV together.
I really believe that couples need to set a certain time of day/night that they put phones away to hang out. Otherwise, every time you get a text or a notification, you will pick up your phone and look at it. Doing this dozens of times over the course of the evening really impacts how connected we feel to each other. So it’s pretty crucial to work on intentionally creating time when phones are not present.
If you find one or both of you forgetting or breaking the rule of no phones at a designated time, you can try to gently remind your partner or gently ask for them to put their phone away.
In a recent podcast episode I talk about how important it is to remember that most of us struggle with our phone use. And even if in that moment it is your partner that is the offender or the one that is irritating you for being on their phone all the time, it’s so helpful to remember that it’s a shared struggle. Naming that for our partners (rather than just blaming them for being the only one who is struggling with phone use) can go a long way in softening the request to put their phone away.
Even if we’re gentle in our request and we are able to own that we also struggle, it can often be a sensitive topic to bring up with your partner. What I’ve found in my work with couples over the years is that phone use is often the symptom of a larger problem within a relationship.
So for example, underneath the request to minimize phone use can sometimes be a larger concern around how much that person’s job or career is bleeding into family/couple time. Or the phone use is a symptom of one or both partners being really distracted and not present in the moment when the couple is spending time together.
In these cases, it’s so helpful to contextualize the phone use request within the larger concern or situation. You might say, “Hey babe, I’ve been feeling disconnected in our relationship and feeling like we’re both distracted and not very attentive to each other. One way that I notice this is when we’re on our phones a lot. Can we talk about that and how cutting back on our phone use might help us be more present and connected when we hang out at night?
And if you are someone who really likes to have uninterrupted time to veg out and scroll on your phone, then I’d encourage you to set a limit on this amount of time. Scrolling on your phone can certainly feel relaxing in the moment, but I’d argue that it’s not actually restorative to you individually and it definitely gets in the way of connecting with your partner.
How to Make the Most of TV Time Together:
Aside from frequent phone use, the other issue I see come up with couples a lot is TV time. Many couples want to have several (or most) nights a week where they sit on the couch and watch TV together.
I’m a fan of TV watching with our partners as long as these 3 things are happening:
You are watching a show/movie that you’re both interested in. One person begrudgingly watching the other person’s show is not much fun and usually leads to that person either getting on their phone or falling asleep.
You are looking at the same screen at the same time. Which means no phones in hand, and no laptops in lap while also trying to watch the show.
At least one body part is touching. This could be feet, hands, hips, shoulders. Or full body cuddling. Having some physical closeness is really important though.
So if all three of these things are happening, I think TV time can be a great way to unwind, relax, and connect with each other.
Denaye and I cover a lot more in the episode itself, but these are the main takeaways that I wanted to share with you today about technology use.
Let me know if this is helpful for you, or something you and your partner struggle with. If you try my 3 rules above for TV watching, let me know how that goes! I’d always love to hear from you.