How new compliments from long-term partners can increase feelings of attraction.

A couple of weeks ago I was attending a sex therapy training and I learned about a very interesting piece of research:

Receiving new compliments from long-term partners can increase feelings of attraction.

My ears perked up when I heard this. In part, because I work with couples every day and am always interested in learning about what can help them build intimacy, connection, and attraction.

But I also was really interested because this finding supports something I’ve suspected and have been practicing in my own relationship for the last 20 years.

Early on in my relationship with my husband, I realized that sometimes if I was feeling a little disconnected with him or was just craving some warm, buzzy feelings, I could get that need met by asking for a compliment.

I know. Shamelessly fishing for a compliment? Feels weird, right? But stay with me, and let me tell you why it’s a really lovely skill to develop.

The question that I ask my husband when I’m wanting to feel more connected or close with him, is:

“What have you liked about me lately?”

The emphasis in this question is lately. You see, most of us who have been with our partners for years or decades have grown accustomed to the same compliments over and over. “You’re so kind.” “You’re really smart.” Or whatever is very obviously true about you. These are certainly nice things to hear - and we appreciate hearing them - but they don’t typically produce a lot of warm or buzzy feelings. And they usually don’t increase feelings of attraction.

What we’re not accustomed to is a new, fresh compliment or quality about us that our partner has observed in us recently. It feels so good when my partner shares something that he’s noticed about me that I haven’t heard from him before: “You have been extra patient with the kids lately.” or “You seem really grounded or secure with yourself the past few months. Which I find really attractive.” or “You're so good at making our family time together fun."

So, why is this so impactful to us individually and helpful to the connection in the relationship?

1.  It helps me feel good about myself to hear something positive. It builds my own sense of self and is affirming to have someone else see this quality in me.

2. It shows me that my partner notices me, is observing me, and likes new things about me.

3. Knowing that my partner sees me and likes me helps build feelings of attraction.

Let me explain this last point a bit. Attraction can be based simply on who the other person is (i.e. what they look like, who they are, qualities that I admire about them, etc). But attraction can also be responsive. Meaning, that I feel attracted to someone who also likes me or who thinks I am attractive or admirable.

Think back to when you were dating your spouse. My guess is that you initially felt attracted to them physically and emotionally. And that your attraction grew over time when you got signals that they were attracted to you too. It’s so appealing to feel wanted and admired and special.

In long term relationships, we can lose some of these feelings of attraction if we don’t intentionally do things that foster feelings of being wanted, admired, and special. Things can get stale and you can start to feel like there’s nothing new or special about each other (or yourself).

So one way we can work on building those warm, buzzy feelings about each other is to observe each other, notice what we like, and tell each other what we’ve noticed.

How to Practice this with your Partner:

1. Take a minute to think about your partner and something you’ve liked about them lately. It can be a quality, a behavior, or a specific situation. Identify what it is that you like and why you like it so much. 
   
   Example: I like that my partner has been so attentive to me at night when we talk. When he’s that attentive, it makes me feel really cared for and interested in me. Which, in turn, helps me feel more interested in him.

2. Go to your partner and tell them what you’ve noticed.
   
   Example: “Hey babe, you know something that I’ve really noticed about you lately that I like? You’ve been really attentive at night when I talk. It’s been so nice and it makes me feel good and cared for and like you’re interested in me and what I’m saying.”

3. Ask your partner what they have liked about you recently. Tell them you’d really like to hear a new compliment. Something that they’ve noticed about you that they like. If they feel put on the spot, tell them they can think about it and come back to you later.

Doing this exercise one time may not produce a ton of buzzy feelings. But, I’d argue that cultivating this regular habit in your relationship over time will definitely help you both feel more special, wanted, and close with each other.

Let me know what you think and if you are going to try it. I've been loving the responses I've gotten back recently. It's so good to hear from you and helps me know what is most helpful or resonating.