What is attachment in adult, romantic relationships?
Today I want to write about attachment in adult, romantic relationships. For me, attachment is the foundation for how I think about relationships and it's what I’m helping couples build with each other every day.
There’s so much good information out there on attachment. So many good books, podcasts, and IG accounts to follow on this topic. And it’s all so helpful and important. But I find that for a lot of people, the concept of attachment is still confusing. And working towards a secure attachment with your partner can be overwhelming and difficult to know where to start.
So with that in mind, I want to focus on one singular - but crucial - ingredient to a secure relationship.
Emotional Responsiveness.
Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (which is the type of couples therapy I’m trained in and use with couples in my therapy practice), says that emotional responsiveness is the secret ingredient to healthy, secure relationships.
“The need for safe emotional connection to a few loved ones is wired in by millions of years of evolution. Distressed partners may use different words but they are always asking the same basic questions: “Are you there for me? Do I matter to you? Will you come when I need you, when I call?” [excerpt from Hold Me Tight, Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, Dr. Sue Johnson (2008) pp 57-58.]
“A.R.E. you there for me?”
This question not only illuminates the crux of what we all want to know and feel in our most intimate relationships: that my partner is there for me. But within this question is a guide for how to do exactly that.
The letters A.R.E. are an acronym and stand for 3 qualities that are crucial for each of us to embody (not perfectly - we’ll talk more about that in a bit) that help build security and trust within our relationship. So let’s break those down.
Accessible: Are you available and can you be reached when I need you?
Responsive: When I reach for you, will you not just show up but will you respond?
Engaged: And when you’re responding to me, will you be caring, warm, focused, and attentive?
What does this look like in action?
It’s the culmination of emotional responsiveness in the big moments and the little moments that helps both individuals in a relationship feel secure and loved.
In big moments of life, we want to know our partner will be there for us in a warm, supportive, and attentive way: when we lose a close family member, when we get a big promotion at work, when we deliver a baby, or when we lose our job.
But emotional responsiveness is just as important in the small, everyday moments: when we’ve had a hard day and need a hug, when tell our partner that our feelings our hurt and we want to feel that they care, or when we’re feeling upset and want our partner to put down their phone and listen and talk to us about how we’re feeling.
Do I have to be emotionally responsive 100% of the time for my partner to feel secure?
Thankfully, no - or else none of us would ever feel secure. We don’t have to show up perfectly to have a healthy, secure relationship. But when we haven’t shown up for our partner or we struggle to be emotionally responsive, we do need to repair the hurt that we caused by not showing up. Especially if it was in a big moment when our partner really needed us and we weren’t there.
How can I work on this?
Improving your ability to be emotionally responsive to those around you (and not just your partner - but to your kids, your friends, your coworkers) is a life-long process that takes time, effort, and opportunities to practice. Some of us are naturally better at this than others. But all of us can grow in our ability to be more responsive to those we love.
If you’re wanting to work on this, you can start by asking yourself, which of the three qualities do I struggle most with?
Accessible: am I often unavailable? Do I not make time for my partner?
Responsive: do I struggle to know how to respond warmly and empathically?
Engaged: do I struggle to be present, attentive, and engaged?
Pick one quality and focus on it for one week. Do your best to have this quality top of mind and practice using it.
And remember: when your partner reaches to you for support or to connect, they are really asking: Are you accessible, responsive, and engaged when I need you?
Let me know how this lands for you and if you have any questions. This could be a good email for you to forward to your partner and say that you are wanting to work on this yourself and ask them to join you in working on this part of your relationship.