How to Make Big Decisions With Your Partner
Let’s talk about making big decisions with your partner. This is a topic that comes up all the time with my clients and can be very weighty and stressful, but is especially difficult to navigate if you and your partner don’t initially agree on the choice to be made.
Whether it’s taking a new job, making a big move, or having a second (or third! Or fourth!) baby there are so many factors at play when a couple is making big decisions. But so often, I see couples struggling to have the kind of in-depth conversations required to make these decisions in a deeply thoughtful and mutually considerate way.
When couples disagree on the desired outcome, conversations can so easily turn into each person trying to convince the other about why their desired outcome is better. Couples often struggle to hear the other person’s concerns and desires because they are each so tied to the outcome they want.
Getting caught up in convincing the other person that your position is right not only makes it almost impossible to come to a shared decision, but it also has the potential to create a lot of hurt and resentment if one or both partners don’t feel heard or cared for in the decision making process.
Over the years, I’ve created a three step process to help couples navigate big decisions:
Step One:
Start by asking yourself what emotions get stirred up for you when you start to have this conversation with your partner?
Because people are often so tied to their desired outcome, they can have really big feelings come up when they start to talk about it. But our partners often don’t know what is happening for us emotionally in these conversations - they are only hearing the outcome we’re pushing for. It can be so helpful to start a conversation by sharing how you’re feeling and what might help you feel emotionally safe or grounded as you begin to talk. You can use these questions to help do this:
What feelings come up as you think about this decision or begin to talk about it with your partner?
What is your biggest fear related to this decision?
What could your partner say in this conversation that would make you feel more secure or emotionally safe?
What do you want to make sure your partner knows about how you feel about them and how important it is to you that you’re able to make this decision together?
Step Two:
Take turns sharing your thoughts, feelings, desires, and concerns about the decision. Consider these strategies and skills as you take turns sharing and listening:
When it’s your turn to share, focus on describing why your desired outcome is important to you, what it means to you at a deeper level, and what you’re afraid/worried about if it doesn’t happen.
When the other person is speaking, practice listening without interrupting, validate their concerns and desires, and ask thoughtful questions.
If the conversation starts to get more heated, try to slow it down or take a break until you’re both feeling a little more grounded.
Step Three:
After you’ve both heard from each other, check in to see if there seems to be a clear answer. If not, consider how you might make accommodations or compromises to help move you together towards shared, agreeable, and potential outcomes.
These questions might help:
What are the top two most important things you’re hoping for in terms of an ultimate outcome?
What are two things you’d be willing to compromise on if you can’t get your ideal scenario?
What are two things that would help you meet your partner more in the middle? Or, what are two things that would make it easier for you to give your partner some of what they want?
Remember: these conversations might happen in one sitting or may take place over several days or weeks. It’s normal for it to take time and involve lots of talking (and even more listening) for couples to reach a shared decision.
I'd really love to hear from you if this process is helpful for you or if you have any questions. Let me know if you and your partner are in the process of making a big decision and are finding the process I'm describing useful.
