What does protecting your relationship mean?
I wanted to write today about a really important concept that I see couples struggling with in my office every day: protecting their relationship with their partner.
What does protecting your relationship mean? I think it means:
Prioritizing your relationship. Not necessarily above all else, but definitely in the top tier.
Taking special care of your relationship. Nurturing it, giving it lots of time and attention.
Safeguarding it so that other things or people can’t get in the way.. I mean this in big ways, but also in small ways - for example, not letting all of our free time be spent with friends, or family members, or even our kids.
Keeping watch over it. Meaning, staying attuned to how connected we feel to each other, noticing any problems that are coming up, and paying attention to what we need to work on together.
Many of us were naturally protective of our relationship early on. When we are dating or newly married, we often are good at prioritizing and safeguarding our relationship, nurturing it, and giving it lots of time and attention.
Understandably, this becomes much harder once we are parents. Our kids are wonderful and need so much from us. We want to be close with them, focus on our relationship with them, and on becoming a great parent. So instinctively, our attention and prioritization shifts. It suddenly becomes much more difficult to also protect and prioritize our relationship with our partner.
This is a natural progression and most people struggle with how to prioritize their relationship with their kids AND protect their relationship with their partner (not to mention, prioritize their relationship with themselves!)
One really important way that we protect our relationship with our partner is by protecting the time we have to spend together.
Our time together is the glue. It’s what keeps us from simply living parallel lives of working, taking care of kids, and taking care of the home. Time together is what is needed to build and maintain connection.
And as you probably know, your time is one of the first areas that takes a huge hit once you’ve had kids.
Now that you’re a parent, you likely don’t have a lot of free time to begin with. Most of your day is spent working, taking care of kids, and taking care of the house. Chances are, there is very little time left over in the day that can be spent with your partner.
I also know that when you do get time with your partner, you might not know how to make the most of it. The things you used to do with your partner aren’t so accessible or easy to do any longer. Plus you are exhausted and worn out from the day.
By the time your kids are in bed, you don’t have a plan and you end up scrolling on your phone or watching something boring on TV. Which does not lead to feeling connected to each other.
But I want you to change that. I want you to learn how to not only protect the time you have with your partner…but I want you to enjoy it.
I want you and your partner to dig deep, get honest, and figure out: what do you need during kid-free time to feel joy, connection, and relaxation so that you can wake up the next day and do it all over again?