How your attachment style affects your relationship

Let’s talk about on how your attachment style affects your relationship. AND how you and your partner’s individual styles can create a dynamic or negative cycle that shows up between you two, particularly when you’re in distress or conflict.

What’s the most common configuration of attachment styles?

There are multiple configurations that can be present in our relationships with a partner (Anxious/Avoidant, Secure/Anxious, Secure/Avoidant, etc etc). And if you think back to what we talked about two weeks ago about us all being on a continuum in the attachment spectrum, then the possibilities are endless.

Despite all the possible configurations, research shows us that the Anxious/Avoidant configuration in a relationship is by far the most common. So that’s where we’ll spend our time today.

The Anxious/Avoidant Partnership

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) was created by Dr. Sue Johnson and is considered to be the gold standard of couples therapy due to the amount of research that supports its effectiveness (which is why I am trained in this model and use it for couples therapy and adapt it for relationship coaching).

EFT calls the Anxious/Avoidant partnership the Pursuer/Distancer dynamic, which I find very helpful because it describes how we tend to behave in our relationship when there’s distress or an unmet attachment need. The interaction of these two types of responses to distress creates a negative cycle in our relationship that keeps us stuck and from getting our needs met.

The cycle in a Pursuer/Distancer relationship often looks like this:

One partner has an attachment need that hasn’t been met (e.g. to feel wanted, to feel supported, to feel trusted, to feel like your partner is there for you when you need them).

When that need hasn’t been met, the partner feels incredibly vulnerable, and experiences this vulnerability as fear, grief, or anger.

This is all normal and part of being in an intimate relationship with another person. No one is able to meet all of our attachment needs and will inevitably not be responsive in the ways that we need at various points in our relationship. And it’s totally normal to feel hurt, distressed, or anxious about this.

But here’s where things get interesting: Our attachment style informs how we respond to or behave when we inevitably feel vulnerable after having an unmet attachment need.

If we have a naturally secure attachment style (or an earned secure attachment), we will note the unmet need and will be able to approach our partner from a place of security, curiosity, and compassion. But if we have an insecure attachment, what happens next will be confusing.

Pursuers (or those with an Anxious attachment style) will often express their own vulnerability and behave in ways that are more blaming, accusing, critical, demanding, or threatening to their partner (note: Pursuers don't usually see themselves as being blaming, accusing, critical, demanding, or threatening. They usually think they are just expressing their feelings or pointing out something that's not right). 

Pursuers naturally go towards their partner with their painful feelings in an effort to get their partner to understand how hurt they are. Their attachment system tells them that the best way to deal with hurt and pain is to get their partner to hear it and fix it somehow. The difficulty in this is that the way in which they approach their partner is often indirect and focuses on the other person’s mistake, instead of their own vulnerable feelings.

On the other hand, Distancers (or those with an Avoidant attachment style) will often respond to their own vulnerability by getting defensive, counter-attacking, shutting down, appeasing/agreeing with their partner, or distracting themselves. (note: Distancers are often aware that this is what they are doing, but they either believe that this is the only way to not make the situation worse, or they have no idea what to do instead). 

Distancers naturally go away from their partner (either by shutting down or putting up a defensive wall) in an effort to avoid their pain and try to get their partner to see that they are not the “bad guy.” Their attachment system tells them that it is emotionally safer to get distance from their partner when they are distressed. The difficulty in this is that their partner can often feel rejected by this approach, and the distancer has a hard time getting their own needs met.

When these two responses interact with each other in an intimate relationship, they will typically have a reinforcing effect and will unwittingly trigger the other partner’s response. Essentially, a negative feedback loop is created.

A typical Pursuer/Distancer example:

For example, let’s say I have an anxious attachment style and my partner has an avoidant attachment style. If I’m feeling hurt or dismissed in the relationship, I might try to cope with that by saying something like, “You’ve been so distracted lately. You never pay attention to me and you don’t seem to care what’s going on with me.” Underneath my words, I’m feeling sad, hurt, missing my partner, worried about how he is feeling about me. But my words and behavior only communicate blame, criticism, and frustration. My partner has no idea that I’m actually trying to get reassurance from him about how he feels about me and that I’m asking for him to come closer emotionally.

When he hears this, he will likely feel that blame and criticism. And because he has an avoidant attachment style, he might respond by saying something like, “What are you talking about? I sat and listened to your story about your mom for an hour last night. And you are the one who’s so distracted - you’re always on your phone.” Or he might be a Distancer who shuts down instead of gets defensive, so he might not say much at all. Or might say something like, “I have no idea what you want me to say. I can never win with you.” Underneath his words, he’s likely feeling scared, anxious, worried that I’m seeing him as the bad guy, or feeling like a failure in this relationship. But his words and behavior only communicate that he wants to push me away and doesn’t want to help me feel better. I end up feeling more alone and disconnected from him.

The More I ____ the more you ____:

Here’s where the feedback loop begins:

The more I try to communicate my feelings and desire to be close with my partner in a critical way, the more he feels fear, sadness or shame.

The more fear and shame he feels, the more he either acts defensive or shuts down.

The more he gets defensive or shuts down, the more rejected and anxious I feel.

The more rejected and anxious I feel, I express myself in more tearful, blaming, or angry ways.

The more tearful, blaming, or angry I get, the more he feels fear and shame and defends and shuts down.

This goes on and on until it escalates, one person leaves the conversation, or we both decide to end the conversation because it’s getting us nowhere.

Both of us remain hurt, feeling unseen or not understood, and feeling unfairly blamed. Both of us feel disconnected and confused. We blame the other person, telling ourselves that if they would just stop doing their part of the cycle, then things would get better.

The Problem is the Cycle

Here’s where EFT is so helpful. Instead of blaming the above dynamic on the other person, if we can start to blame the cycle itself as the problem, we can start to change it.

Couples get out of this dynamic when they are able to see that it is not their partner who is the problem. But it is the way that the two of them interact in this cycle that is the problem.

With that lens, couples can start to see the pattern that’s happening inside and in front of them. They can start to sidestep the cycle and work together to do something different.

This takes time and effort, but is totally possible.