How to hold steady emotionally
Today I want to talk about a really important internal skill that has a profound impact on our relationships: holding steady emotionally.
This was a small piece that I talked about in the Magic Hour workshop a couple of weeks ago that I got some feedback on. A couple of participants noted that this was a really helpful concept, and that they used this language to help remind themselves to use it in the moment with their partners. So I thought it might be a useful topic to talk more about in this newsletter.
So what exactly does it mean to “Hold Steady?”
I first learned about this concept from a sex and relationship therapist that I trained with several years ago, Martha Kauppi. Martha uses this concept to explain a crucial skill that is so important for our relationships.
Holding steady essentially means staying grounded and calm and being able to regulate ourselves emotionally so that we don’t become reactive or shut down.
Why is this so important for relationships?
The idea of staying grounded or calm is common in the world of mindfulness, meditation, and individual mental health. But I find less emphasis on the importance of it for our relationships.
When we can stay grounded - or hold steady emotionally - in the presence of our partner, everything changes.
ONE: We’re able to share our own thoughts and feelings with our partner clearly, without reactivity.
Example: I want to tell my partner that I’m feeling disconnected.
How I might say this if I am holding steady: “I miss you and have been wishing we had more time together lately. Could we hang out tonight after the kids go to bed?”
How I might say this if I’m not holding steady: “Why is it that you have time in your life for everyone but me? You must really not care about me since we never spend any time together.”
In the first example, being able to be calm and grounded helps me focus on explaining my own thoughts and feelings and making a direct request. In the second, I’m likely feeling angry, hurt, resentful and those emotions are in charge of me in that moment.
Note: The goal here isn’t to not feel these emotions. The goal is to be able to not let them run the show when we’re trying to have important conversations with our loved ones. To do that, I have got to focus on my own ability to calm myself and soothe myself before (or in the midst of) approaching my partner. Then I have a much better shot at communicating my feelings in a way that they can actually hear and respond to, instead of getting defensive or shutting down.
TWO: We’re able to hear what our partner is trying to tell us, especially if it’s a difficult topic.
Example: My partner is trying to tell me that he needs a little more alone time in the evenings than what he’s currently getting.
How I might respond if I’m holding steady: “Okay, this is kind of hard for me to hear, but I want to understand. Tell me more.”
How I might respond if I’m not holding steady: I start to cry, yell, get sarcastic, or shut down. I might say something like, “well that’s fine. I’ll just be by myself even more than I already am.” or “Why would you want to be by yourself more than you want to be with me? Are you unhappy in our relationship?”
Note: Again, the goal here isn’t to not feel these emotions. It’s totally normal to feel upset or hurt or confused in this situation. BUT when our emotions overtake us, we aren’t able to really hear what our partner is trying to tell us - which might be very different from what we think we hear initially. We often need more explanation or clarification, and our partner will have a hard time giving that to us if we get really reactive. There’s also the danger of, over time, our partner avoiding bringing up difficult topics because they are afraid of our response. Which can lead to lots of pent up feelings, unresolved issues, and disconnection.
THREE: We’re able to work through difficult topics and conversations to reach a shared understanding or plan moving forward.
Example: I want to spend most nights with my partner and he needs a couple of nights to himself.
If we’re holding steady: We can talk through our individual feelings and needs and hear each other out. More often than not, we’ll be better able to come up with some sort of compromise or plan that helps us both get our needs met.
If we’re not holding steady: The conversation turns into an argument and we both have misconceptions about the other person’s feelings and needs. It becomes a sore subject and one that we have a hard time talking about the next time it comes up because there is unresolved hurt and misunderstanding from the previous conversation. We aren’t able to come up with a plan and one or both of us is feeling like our needs aren’t getting met.
So how can we each practice holding steady?
Depending on how difficult this skill is for you, you may need a little bit of work on this or you may need a lot. Here are some different ideas for how to work on it, starting with the simplest (if this skill is not too difficult for you right now) to more involved strategies (if this skill is quite difficult for you):
Simply remind yourself to hold steady. Anytime you are facing a situation where your emotions are starting to overwhelm you, you can internally whisper to yourself “Hold steady emotionally. Hold steady emotionally.” If your partner is reading this email or you tell them about this skill, you can say it out loud to each other. “Okay, this is hard. I’m trying to hold steady emotionally right now as we talk.”
Breathe deeply. Our ability to regulate our nervous system starts with breathing. Being able to focus your attention on your breath, slowing down your breathing, and breathing from you diaphragm (the same way you would if you were singing in a choir or playing a brass instrument) is INCREDIBLY helpful to calming down your sympathetic nervous system (which controls the fight or flight response).
Take some space. Ask your partner if you can have a minute or two (or 20) to go into another room, take some breaths, get some fresh air and remind yourself that you want to hold steady so that you can move through this difficult conversation in the best way possible.
Begin a meditation or mindfulness practice. Meditation and mindfulness are wonderful strategies to prevent intense emotional reactions AND to cope with intense emotions in the moment. You can download the Calm or Headspace app, or simply spend one minute a day being mindful and paying attention to your breath. There are tons of great resources for this online, including my friend and colleague Morgan Levy's workshop about mindfulness.
Therapy to help you learn more skills for emotion regulation, and to explore past history of childhood or previous adult experiences that may be contributing to an overall difficulty with holding steady.
Remember: this is a process. It takes time to learn new skills and to change mindsets and habits. Simply holding the phrase “Holding steady emotionally” in your mind will help you become more mindful and one step closer to managing your own emotions in the face of a difficult conversation.