How our internal and relational maps help us understand ourselves and each other
Today I want to talk about maps. Not physical maps to help us get from one place to another., but the internal and relational maps that we all have that helps us understand ourselves and each other.
The idea of an internal or relational map is a metaphor I use a lot with couples when I’m trying to help them understand the importance of knowing their partner. Knowing their partner’s unique needs and wants. Knowing their partner’s triggers and long-standing wounds (related to their relationship with each other, or wounds that pre-date this relationship). Knowing the things that help their partner feel close and connected. Knowing the things that irritate them and push them away.
I like to think of this knowledge as giving us a map of our partner’s inner landscape. When we know our partner’s inner landscape, we know what we need to do to move across it in ways that are informed, loving, and supportive.
I believe that intimately knowing our partner’s map does two things:
One, the simple act of knowing their map communicates care.
When I can name things that I know about my partner that communicates that I understand him deeply, it creates warm feelings of being known, valued, and cared for.
For example, if my partner and I watch a movie that touches on a sensitive topic to my partner, I might say, “Hey, just wanted to check in about the movie last night. I know the part about the dad was probably tough for you. Do you want to talk about it?” In this example, my partner may or may not want to talk about it, but just the fact that I know it’s sensitive and have made an effort to check in with him about it is very loving.
Two, it guides us in how we respond to or behave with our partner.
If I know, for instance, that my partner has a childhood wound around feeling uncared for or unimportant, then I’m going to be extra careful about ways that show my care to my partner. I’m going to make sure that I give my partner extra attention on his birthday, that I go out of my way to celebrate his accomplishments, and that I do small things daily to show how important he is to me.
So let me ask you this: How well do you know your partner’s map? And second, how well do you attend to your partner’s map?
If this is something you think would be helpful to work on, here are some ideas for map learning and map attending-to skills. You can write down the answers to these questions on your own, or you can have a conversation with your partner about these things (maybe an at-home date night activity this weekend?):
What are the ways my partner feels most loved by me?
What does my partner need when they are feeling stressed and overwhelmed?
What does my partner need when they are feeling sad or they are grieving?
What are the wounds my partner holds that are related to our relationship?
What are the wounds that my partner holds that pre-date our relationship?
What is my partner’s favorite way to spend time with me?
What do I do that irritates my partner the most?
What could I do for my partner that would make their day a little easier?
What about your own internal map?
Your internal map is just as important as your partner’s. So if this concept is resonating with you, I’d encourage you to forward this email to your partner or initiate a conversation around this topic so you can both talk about it together.
So, tell me: is this a helpful concept? Have you thought about this idea of internal maps before? Did you get any good visuals when I described this? Reply back and let me know.
I’d also love to hear if this concept feels difficult for you in any way. Do you notice any resistance or uncertainty about this idea? Do you feel like you need more help with this? I’d love to hear your thoughts and offer support.